Girl Talk
by recycled-stars
Summary: The girls of Grey's Anatomy talk love, life, the joys of womanhood, men and bad hair days. All very tongueincheek, but I wanted to do a series in which the ladies kicked ass. And this is it. [Chapter 13 added]
1. Chapter 1

**Girl Talk**

Author's Notes: I know, I should be working on something serious, or studying or something. But I've always wanted to do a series with just the girls, so here it is. Very tongue-in-cheek of course, but amusing nonetheless.

* * *

**Chapter One: The Girls Talk 'Girl Issues'** "Oh great," Cristina yells loudly, from the bathroom, and Meredith and Izzie poke their heads around the doorway, curious. 

"What?" the dirty blonde questions, leaning in for the answer.

"I am menstruating," Cristina announces.

"Great," Meredith replies.

"Thanks for, you know, letting us know," Izzie adds.

A head of curly black hair peaks out from a slit between the bathroom wall and the stall door, "Guys, this is seriously a problem."

"Ok," Meredith answers, confused, "Why is this a problem? You're not pregnant. Isn't this a good thing?"

Cristina shakes her head.

"I'm bleeding, profusely, and I havenotampons."

"What?" the other women exclaim incredulously, "Seriously?"

"Seriously," Cristina whines, "I just… do you guys have anything?"

Meredith shakes her head. Izzie just shrugs, "Sorry, I finished last week."

"Oh," Cristina rolls her eyes, "This is _exactly_ what I need right now. Guys, I can't leave this bathroom until you find me some female sanitary products."

"How the hell are we going to do that?" Izzie protests, "Why the hell can't you do that?"

Cristina closes and locks the stall, "And when you do find them, make sure they're for _heavy flow_," she says emphatically, "And uh, could you find me a spare pair of scrubs too?"

Izzie opens her mouth to whinge, but Meredith silences her, "C'mon Izzie, it's a man's world. We girls, we've got to stick together."

"McDreamy being an ass again?" Cristina and Izzie ask in unison.

"Shut up," Meredith snaps, "We have to find tampons."

Izzie nods, "Ok, we have to find tampons."

"That's right," Cristina yells, as they disappear from the locker room, "You have to find tampons."

In the corridor, Izzie turns to Meredith, "Right well, this is a hospital. It can't be too hard to you know, find something."

Meredith nods her agreement, "Yeah of course."

"You know where we should look?" Izzie questions rhetorically, "The public bathrooms. You know how at airports, they have the little dispenser machine things?"

"I thought they only had condoms," Meredith grins, and sets off in the direction of the elevator.

"You would think that," Izzie sniggers.

Minutes later, they're standing in front of the machine, cursing loudly and thumping it on occasion.

"It ate my money."

"It bit my hand."

"Do you have any more change?"

"Nope, that was the last of it. You?"

Izzie shakes her head.

"Ok shit, well, let's just go ask for change," Meredith suggests.

"We're doctors. We can't just ask random people for change. How dodgy will that look?"

"We'll just tell the truth."

"What, that we need money for tampons?"

"You're right… let's just ask the first person we see who we know. We're doctors, we work here, surely we'll encounter other doctors that work here at some point."

"So, if you see McDreamy, you're just gonna be like, 'Hi Derek, so do you have any change on you? I need money for tampons?'"

"No, I'm going to hide in the bathrooms, and you can ask him."

Izzie voices her objection, "I'm not asking him."

"Well who would you ask?" Meredith glares.

At the same time, George approaches them from the nurse's station, chart in hand, looking entirely unsuspecting.

"George!" they both say in unison, "Good to see you."

"Uh, hi guys," he greets them, looking confused, "And er, good to see you too?"

"We need change," Izzie smiles sweetly, "Quarters… "

"What for?" he questions, innocently, digging in his pockets.

They exchange a glance, "Tampons."

"Oh, I … err, here," he blushes, pressing a pile of coins into Izzie's outstretched palm, "I um, hope that's enough?"

"Thanks George," they both smile brightly and disappear into the bathroom before he has a chance to say anything else.

"You're welcome," he mutters to the swinging door.

Several curses later, Meredith and Izzie abandon the machine and decide to report back to Cristina, who is a) slightly claustrophobic and b) slightly pissed that she's missing surgeries.

"I mean, I should have just been born a man," she scowls, when they tell her they can't find anything, "Why do women have to put up with this anyway? Why can't we be like cats? They don't ovulate until penetration has occurred. It's just not biologically efficient."

Alex pokes his head around the doorway, beside Izzie and Meredith, "Way, way too much information Yang. Like, just, way too much."

"Shut up evil spawn," Cristina snaps.

"Go away Alex," Izzie echoes.

"You're a man," Meredith explains, "You just don't understand."

"Guys, you have to do something," Cristina wails, "I mean, it's a _hospital_ . Can't you just ask someone else? Like Olivia or someone? Or Bailey? Or any other female member of staff?"

Meredith and Izzie gulp, "Of course."

"Olivia's not working today," Izzie complains, as they exit the locker room for the second time.

"And Bailey's in surgery."

"That only leaves…"

Slowly they both turn to see Addison, perched on the edge of gurney, chewing on a pen and making notes on a chart.

"Oh no," Meredith shakes her head, "Nope. No way. I can't… I am not asking her, Izzie we can't."

But Izzie is already dragging her down the hall.

"Meredith, she's a _gynaecologist_ ," Izzie says slowly, as if talking to a small child, "She gets stuff like this all the time."

"But Izzie," Meredith hisses, "She's McWife."

Izzie nods, "I know, I know she's McWife, but she's…"

They both turn to stare when she coughs, and fixes them with a Look, "Um hello, I can hear you?"

"Dr Shepard," Izzie beams broadly, stepping closer with her hands behind her back, rocking back and forward in her shoes.

"Dr Shepard," Meredith parrots lamely.

"Dr Stevens, Dr Grey," she nods back, "Can I um, help you with something?"

"Well, see…" Izzie begins, glaring at Meredith, making a gesture that implies she should continue.

"Oh no way," Meredith objects, "This was _your_ idea."

Addison blinks, "Stevens?"

"Weneedtampons," the blonde mutters quickly, and tries to ignore Meredith's mortified look.

"Um, excuse me?" is the response of the foremost neonatal care specialist in the country.

"What Izzie means is that, um, we have a situation," Meredith explains, wringing her hands together, "And we, uh, need…" she lowers her voice to a whisper, "Tampons."

"You need _tampons_ ?" the redhead inquires, confounded.

"Um, yes?" they both reply in unison.

"Ok then," Addison stands, tucks the chart under her arm.

"Ok?"

"Ok, I don't think I have any, but, let's go," she gestures with her free hand, "Find some… tampons."

"See?" Izzie whispers to Meredith, as they fall in step behind the other woman, "I _told_ you she would help."

"I can still hear you Stevens," Addison informs her, "And do you seriously call me _McWife_ ?"

"Well, um," Meredith twists her hair.

"Actually, don't answer that," Addison muses, "I don't think I want to know."

A quarter of an hour later, they're trawling through a supply closet, searching high and low.

"I've got syringes, I've got dressings, I've got alchowipes," Izzie whines, "But no tampons."

"Ditto," says Meredith, "Bandages, suture kits, and steri-strips."

Addison brushes the dust of her hands, and sniffles. The interns turn to look at her in surprise.

"Um, Doctor Shephard?" Meredith begins.

"Yes?" she answers, wiping her running eyes.

"Are you Ok?"

"It's just," she breaks into a series of sneezes, "Hayfever," she finishes lamely, to their awed exclamations of 'bless you'.

"I have tissues," Izzie blinks, handing her an unopened box.

"Um, thank you," she sniffs, "And um, don't call me McWife. Addison is you know, fine."

They nod, "Ok."

"Ok?"

Meredith shrugs, "Sure, why not?"

"You're helping us find tampons," Izzie declares, by way of explanation, and nods again, "Of course."

"So, why exactly are we looking for tampons?" Addison enquires, before succumbing to another fit of sneezes.

"Wow, that was ten in a row," Meredith observes, "Oh, and because Cristina is all, 'I want to be a man' and forgot to prepare for the joys of womanhood."

"Oh," she blows her nose, and blinks a few times, "Right."

"Oooh, I think I've found something," Izzie pipes up suddenly, "But I can't quite reach, someone give me a boost up, and I'll…"

The Chief of Surgery of course chooses this moment to wander down the hall immediately outside the supply closet in which we find our heroines. And of course, the following noises can be heard coming from said supply closet:

"Just, push a little bit more Dr…Addison."

"For crying out loud Izzie, shut up, we're doing our best."

"Higher, no, no to the left…. Not that left!"

"Be quiet!"

"Ok, I've got it. I'm coming down now."

And of course, the Chief of Surgery decides he wants to know why afore mentioned heroines are yelling such things from within a supply closet. He opens the door.

"Chief!" Meredith and Izzie exclaim, and Izzie hides a box behind her back.

"Richard!" Addison blinks, straightening her skirt, and rising to her full height.

Richard just looks around, studying each woman carefully, "What is going on here?"

Meredith and Izzie look at each other helplessly, trying to come up with a suitable explanation. But before they can begin, Addison smiles and says, "We're on a quest."

"You're on a quest," the Chief repeats.

"Yes Sir, we are on a quest."

"And this quest, it led you to a supply closet?"

She nods.

"What exactly, are you, um, questing for?" he inquires, suspiciously.

Addison shoots a desperate glance in the direction of the interns, "Um, well…"

"We were looking for," Meredith continues, but then stumbles, and Izzie tries to open her mouth, but fails entirely.

"I'm going to tell you all a secret," Richard mutters, "You all suck at lying."

"We are actually on a quest," Meredith protests.

"I repeat, a quest for what?"

"Tampons," Addison smiles.

"What?"

"Tampons sir," Izzie repeats, beaming similarly.

The Chief of Surgery swallows, and backs out of the doorway, "Um, ok."

"Ok?" they chorus.

He nods, "Ok. Just… um, I've got it. Secret women's business, girl issues, whatever… it's ok."

He closes the door.

They collapse in a fit of giggles.

"Men are stupid," Izzie notes.

"Men are stupid," Meredith repeats.

"Yep, men are stupid," Addison echoes.

"So," Izzie says, "Let's go find Cristina."

Meredith nods, "Let's go find Cristina."

Addison just sneezes again.

"You have to come and find Cristina," Meredith says suddenly, grabbing her arm. When Addison stares at her quizzically she justifies her request, "It's a man's world. We girls, we have to stick together."

Addison grins, "Is my husband being an ass again?"

"Do you have to ask?" Meredith rolls her eyes.

"Not really," she replies, smiling slyly.

"Guys," Izzie hisses, "Cristina!"

"Right," they respond, "Cristina."

And together they march towards the intern's locker room. Derek sees them approaching, and swallows nervously, because Meredith and Addison don't usually get along so well. He really hopes they're not fighting. He really hopes that his wife isn't being a bitch, and he really hopes that Meredith isn't telling his wife anything she shouldn't know.

Thus, he is surprised that when his wife approaches, she smiles at him and says, "I can't talk now Derek, I'm on a quest."

So he turns to Meredith who similarly shakes her head apologetically, "I'm on a quest."

"Dr Stevens?" he pleads for an explanation, looking bewildered.

She shrugs, "On a quest."

He watches them past and turns to find Richard also staring.

"Secret women's business," the Chief of Surgery tells him.

"Ah," he nods, "Right, secret women's business. Girl issues. Whatever."

/lj-cut


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: The Girls Talk 'Terrible Things'**

* * *

Author's Notes: Um ok, I know I should be responding to the Season premiere, but shrug, I finished this before, so I'll try and update a few times over the next week and _then_ try thinking of something serious. In answer to people's reviews: THANK YOU SO MUCH. ;P And this story is not really focussed on pairings, but Bang, Addek, Mer/Der and Maddison do make an appearance in later chapters.

* * *

Addison tries to ignore them, but they wave her over and really, it would be rude, not to allow Izzie Stevens to drag her over to the table, currently occupied by Meredith and Cristina. 

"Hey Addison," Meredith smiles.

She looks around behind her and warily sits, "Hi."

"Erm ok, this is awkward," Cristina observes, shoving a handful of crisps in her mouth and chewing loudly.

"Well I just," Addison fiddles with the edge of the lab coat, "Yep, awkward."

"Definitely, awkward," Izzie repeats.

The all turn to stare at Meredith.

"I did a terrible thing," is all she says, picking at the crust of her sandwich.

Cristina hits her on the arm, "Snap out of it Grey, I told you, we all do terrible things."

"But I mean, this was really terrible," she responds, and Izzie nods. Addison just tries not to look very, very confused.

"Really very terrible," Meredith continues, "He won't even sit with us now, because I'm here. I broke George; I'm a terrible terrible person."

"You um, _broke_ George?" Addison lifts an eyebrow.

"They had clumsy and uncomfortable sex and she cried," Cristina explains flatly.

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh!" Meredith agrees, staring at her hands, "I did a terrible, terrible thing and I am a terrible terrible person."

"We all do terrible things Mer," Cristina repeats, "Come on guys, what terrible things have you done?"

Addison turns to stare with a forkful of food (or something from the hospital cafeteria that was halfway edible anyway) poised beyond her lips.

Meredith answers, "I slept with George."

Addison pouts and lowers her head, "I slept with Mark."

Izzie pipes up, "Alex slept with Olivia."

They all turn to stare at Cristina, who looks left and right over her coffee before saying, "Um, Burke loves me?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three: The Girls Talk 'Men, Who Needs Them?'  
**

"I wish I were a lesbian," Meredith huffs, pulling herself up onto the gurney beside Addison, who is hitting herself in the forehead with her clenched fists. Repeatedly.

Addison laughs, "I wish _I_ were a lesbian."

"Seriously," Meredith twists her mouth into a shape that properly expresses her dissatisfaction, "It would make my life so much simpler."

"I know," the red head responds, a little red patch forming above her eyebrows, "Don't even get me started on Derek, I just don't understand."

"Neither do I!" Meredith exclaims, "I mean I am _trying_ to move on. Surely he can see that. I have Finn. Finn is wonderful. Finn is sweet. Finn is nice…"

"Finn is so close to a woman that you _feel_ like a lesbian?" Cristina finishes her sentence, and slithers up next to Addison, "Because he makes me feel like one, he is the most feminine man _ever_."

"You haven't seen Derek's bathroom," Addison responds wryly, "That man has more hair products than _me_."

"He loves his hair," Meredith shrugs.

"He loves him_self_," Cristina observes, "I don't know what you guys see in him."

"I don't see anything him," Meredith objects, "I'm with Finn."

Cristina and Addison roll their eyes and turn to stare incredulously, "Right. You're with Finn."

"The lesbian man," Addison grins at Cristina and resumes her assault on her own cranium.

Cristina nods, "The lesbian man."

Meredith makes an angry noise and sticks her tongue out at Cristina. They sit in silence, pondering their own individual frustration with the males of the species.

Cristina suddenly grabs at Addison's wrists, "Would you desist?"

They exchange a glare, until finally Addison crosses her arms, "I live in a trailer."

Meredith and Cristina nod.

"You live in a trailer."

"I am fabulous," she plucks an errant strand of hair out of her face and tucks it behind one ear, studying her reflection in a painting hanging opposite them, "I mean look at me, I'm hot."

"You're McHot," Cristina and Meredith answer together.

"I was probably Mary freakin' Poppins in a past life, _why_… _why_ can't I just get divorced?"

"Well you know, Mary Poppins, divorce," Meredith looks from one of her outstretched palms to the other, "Don't exactly go hand in hand."

"Why am I getting relationship advice from the woman my husband is in love with?"

"Ouch," Meredith pouts.

"Why am I sitting here commiserating with two interns about how much my life _sucks_?"

"I wish I were a lesbian," Cristina announces suddenly, "If I have to deal with Burke and his whiney emotional crap one more time," she trails off, "I mean, I am _trying_ to be supportive. But he doesn't _want_ to be supported."

"Well you can lead a horse to water," Addison begins.

The interns turn to stare.

"What?" she continues defensively, "All I'm saying is that I'm _trying_ to make my marriage work, but he doesn't _want_ it to work. So there's not a whole lot more I can do. You can go three quarters of the way, but he still has to meet you there."

"And of course he never does," Meredith sulks, "Because he's a _man_ and he's too good for that."

"He thinks his penis is as big as his wounded ego," Cristina continues.

"Oh tell me about it," Addison clenches her fists, "So I slept with Mark. Jesus Derek. Get. Over. It."

"Mark was hot," Meredith remarks.

Addison smirks, "He was."

"Was he good?" Cristina lifts an eyebrow.

Addison smirks more, "I don't kiss and tell."

"Mores the pity," Meredith laments, "But Mark… Mark had all the qualities I like in a man. He was direct, to the point, interested in getting in my pants, no strings attached."

"Yep," Cristina presses her palms against the metal, "I'm sick of men with strings."

Addison nods, "I'm sick of men who own trailers."

"I'm just sick of men," Meredith adds.

Derek saunters down the corridor and seeing Meredith and Addison, decides to stop and make friendly conversation, perhaps try and deduce whether they have been talking about him and whether he should be wary of projectiles when he comes home.

"Hey ladies," he flashes them a smile, "How goes it?"

Addison and Meredith exchange a Look. And promptly begin to pointedly ignore his presence. He turns in exasperation to Cristina, who merely shrugs.

"We're sitting around wishing we were lesbians," she informs him casually.

Derek looks shocked, but can't quite hide the incredibly sly smile than causes the sides of his mouth to curve upwards.

"Oh piss off, you pervert," Cristina hisses under her breath.

Addison glares.

Meredith studies the floor.

He turns and walks away.

"Yeah," Addison watches him turn the corner, "I could totally be a lesbian."  



	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four: The Girls Talk 'Bad Hair Days'  
**  
Meredith stares at herself in the mirror and groans, "Damnit, my hair refuses to do _anything_ today. I can't put it up, I can't leave it down… it just won't. co-operate."

Cristina opens a stall door and stumbles towards the sinks.

"I couldn't make coffee this morning," she mumbles, still half-asleep, "Because some inconsiderate fool wrapped their car around a street lamp and we had no power. Point of the story," she rakes her fingers through her damp curls, "I couldn't blow dry it. Be prepared for the fro."

"Cristina," Meredith stares, "You hair always looks perfect. Me, we are talking about _me_."

Cristina shakes her head, "I'm telling you, it looks like a fro."

They stare at their reflections in dismay, Meredith clutching at her fringe and Cristina attempting to tame the mass that is indeed beginning to resemble pre-op Michael Jackson's frizzy mop, the one from the Jackson Five days.

Addison interrupts their misery by crashing into the bathroom and slamming the door behind her.

"Oh," Meredith smiles, surprised, "Good morning."

Addison drops a (very large) bag onto the bench and unzips it roughly, spilling cosmetics onto the counter top. She then says flatly, "No. It's not a good morning."

Cristina and Meredith exchange a sideways glance.

"Um, ok then," Meredith continues, "It's just what you say, you know?"

"Yeah, what's up with you?" Cristina raises and eyebrow as Addison begins wiping the streams of mascara under her eyes and reapplying her make-up.

"I _hate_ Seattle!" she exclaims, "I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!"

Meredith tries to stifle a giggle. Cristina makes a face.

"Is it raining?" Cristina inquires politely.

"Do you even have to ask?" Addison snaps, "It's _Seattle_… it's _always_ raining. But yes, today the rain is worse than normal and Derek _refused_ to drop me at the door so I'm soaking wet and my make-up is ruined and I hate the rain! It ruins my hair."

She pouts at them in the mirror and takes a deep breath, "And I have surgery today. Not that I'm superstitious or anything, but things always go wrong when I have bad hair."

"Sure, because the all powerful cosmological force that controls the universe answers to your hair," Cristina remarks sarcastically.

Addison tosses said hair and narrows her now-perfectly lined eyes, "Yang, don't diss the hair."

Cristina holds up her hands apologetically, "I'm not dissing the hair."

Addison smiles sweetly, "Good."

Turning to Meredith, Cristina mumbles under her breath, "First the freaking juju, now the hair."

Addison whirls around and glares, "I know it's _stupid_, but coincidentally, whenever I have a bad hair day," she shudders, "Surgeries go crap. Babies throw up on me. Nurses spread nasty rumours about my practically non-existent sex life. Seriously, whatever can go wrong will go wrong if my hair is bad. And today, my hair is definitely bad."

It wasn't actually. From the perspective of a neutral observer Addison's hair looked no different to usual; it was a little wet perhaps, maybe not as smooth but nothing to complain about. Certainly not as fro-like as Cristina's ebony curls were shaping up to be.

"Whatever," Cristina comments, blowing her fringe out her eyes.

"Just you wait," Addison replies, "Something horrid will happen to me before 10am."

Cristina looks at Meredith imploringly, "Tell me you're on my side."

She is met with a resolute shake of the head, and a toss of the dirty-blonde curls spilling out of Meredith's pony tail, "Nope. I'm absolutely with Addison on this one. When my hair is terrible I get it _sniffed_ in elevators and other horrible things."

"You get _sniffed_?" the other two women respond increduously.

"Why did I say that?" Meredith groans, "Now I have to explain don't I?"

They both nod, "Yep."

"Well, just this one day," she folds her arms and leans against the sink, "When I was having the. worst. day. ever. I got stuck in an elevator with Derek. And he _sniffed_ my hair."

"Should I be listening to this?" Addison questions, looking slightly anxious.

Meredith shrugs, "Nothing happened. Then. Nothing happened I swear. He just... was creepy."

"Nothing happened _then_?"

"Nothing happened."

"Ever?"

"Um."

Cristina stares into the distance and begins to hum 'Mary Had A Little Lamb'.

"Well..." Meredith begins awkwardly.

"Something _happened_?" Addison nearly shrieks.

"It was an accident," Meredith replies in kind.

"See, I told you," Addison points a finger at Cristina, "I told you bad things always happen when I have bad hair."

"What the hell?" Cristina rolls her eyes, "Nothing bad happened today. You just found out about it. That doesn't make you unlucky, that just makes you _slow_."

"I AM NOT SLOW."

"I'M FREAKING SORRY ABOUT PROM OK? HE'S A CREEP. HE FOLLOWED ME."

"I HATE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS PEOPLE."

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT," Meredith finally announces.

And they all turn to stare at each other.

"You said something happened."

"We're all having a bad hair day."

"Right," Meredith takes stock, "Well, you were already aware of the incident I was alluding to."

"Oh, prom," Addison rolls her eyes to heaven, "Yeah."

"Whatever, I still don't believe in this 'bad hair day' business," Cristina huffs.

"Ok then, but I warned you," Addison crosses her arms across her chest.

"You were warned," Meredith agrees.

"Ok, I have been warned," Cristina says, "Are we all ready to face the bad hair day now?"

They nod.

Addison tip-toes out of the bathroom and huddles close the wall. Meredith follows. Cristina laughs at their Mission Impossible act and saunters out into the corridor.

And is promptly showered with a green substance with a brownish tinge, which smells absolutely foul.

"What the hell?" Cristina cries.

"I'm sorry," the nurse mumbles, "It was my power protein breakfast shake."

Addison and Meredith giggle in the corner, still nearly flattened against the wall.

"Don't you dare say I told you so," Cristina admonishes, "If you even _think_ it I will kill you."

Addison shrugs, "You have angered the gods of Bad Hair Days."

Meredith nods ominously, "And now, you must pay."

George chooses this moment to wander up and greet his friends. Noticing Cristina clutching at her hair in distress, he asks innocently, "Bad hair day?"

Meredith and Addison cannot contain their delight, and as they stand their cackling with glee, Cristina glares murderously. George just presses the button for the elevator and looks confused.

"Must be something in the water," he mumbles to Derek, who has observed the final moments of the scene and is also very, very confused.

"Yep, the women in this hospital are," the neurosurgeon shudders, "Taking over."

George nods and tries to tug down on a particularly stubborn bit of hair that insists of sticking straight up.

Derek looks on sympathetically and raises a hand to his own head, "And to make things worse, I'm having a bad hair day."  



	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five: The Girls Talk 'The F-Word'  
**  
The elevator dings on the third floor and the doors slide open to reveal Addison studying her reflection (or all you can see of it) in the doors, looking very critical.

"Hey," Meredith greets her and Cristina smiles.

Addison waves distractedly.

"Do you think I'm fat?" she inquires at length.

Meredith shakes her head emphatically, "No, you're _definitely_ not fat."

Cristina nods, "Yeah, definitely."

Addison turns from side to side, "Are you sure?"

Meredith crosses her arms, "Addison. Are you nuts?"

"Quite possibly," the redhead chews on her lip thoughtfully, "But Derek made an offhand comment this morning about how much I eat," she pauses, "Which may just be a subtle way of telling me I'm putting on weight."

Meredith studies her own reflection carefully, "Tell me about. _I'm_ putting on weight. Izzie's new coping-with-loss strategy seems to include covering every available surface in my house with baked goods."

Cristina's eyes light up, "So I'm coming over to your place tonight."

Meredith puts her hands on her hips, trying to judge their width, "And between the chocolate cake and the tequila, I must be getting so fat."

Cristina groans, "Don't say the f-word. Since Burke's been in hospital, I've been a regular at the House of Wong. All the Chinese food is making my scrubs tight. And guys, they're elastic!"

Addison rolls her eyes, "You guys are practically anorexic-looking. I don't know what you're worried about. Try actually having to watch what you eat to prevent you from looking like your mother."

"Addison," Meredith shoots her a disbelieving look, "As _if_ you're having any problems in the 'hot' department. I mean Finn is _still_ not sleeping with me," she gesticulates with her hands, "Maybe it's because he's noticed that my jeans are getting way too tight."

"Um hello?" Addison blinks back, "I'm not exactly having the world's hottest sex, and clearly, my husband thinks there's something wrong with me."

"There's nothing wrong with you," Cristina reassures her, "Men don't do subtle. If he thought it, he'd just say it."

"I don't know," Addison looks sceptical.

"Yeah," Meredith agrees, "I mean Finn? Finn can do subtle. And contrary to popular opinion," she smirks, "He is most definitely a man."

"We're not fat!" Cristina declares, "None of us are fat. Stop talking about being fat!"

They all fold their arms and glare at the fuzzy reflections.

The doors open again as they clunk to a stop on the fifth floor.

They're joined by a wary looking Derek.

He nods, "Doctor Yang, Meredith, Addison."

They mumble a collective response.

"Who died?" he jokes.

They all turn to stare.

"We're in a hospital Derek," Addison snaps, "That's really not funny."

He looks bewildered, "Are you mad at me?"

Addison shakes her head, then nods vigorously, putting her hands on her hips.

"What the hell did I do?" he looks worried and looks to Meredith then to Cristina for some hint of what his unnamed indiscretion might be.

"You said the f-word," Cristina yawns, looking bored and impatient with him for being so slow, "Or implied it. You're not allowed to do that. It's against all the rules of male and female interaction."

He tilts his head to one side, "The f-word?"

"Fat," Meredith supplies as Addison shuffles into the corner and sulks.

"I didn't call you _fat_," he exclaims.

"Do you think I'm fat?" his wife looks up and pouts.

"Oh, good idea. I need a second male opinion," Meredith looks up hopefully, "Do you think _I'm_ fat?"

Cristina glares, "Um yeah, me? Am I fat?"

Derek looks positively mortified.

"I can't get out of this can I?" he asks rhetorically.

"You think we're fat!" they cry in unison.

Meredith looks disappointed. Addison looks crestfallen. Cristina just looks mad.

"No!" he retorts, "I never said that."

"You certainly implied it," Addison narrows her eyes, "And I hope you realise that you're sleeping on the couch."

"You're not fat!" he protests, "None of you. You're all perfectly normal."

"Normal?" Meredith squeaks, looking even more upset than before.

"Women!" he throws his hands in the air, "I can't say you're all attractive because then Addison will be pissed off at me for noticing and you'll all think I'm a perve. I can't say nothing because then you'll assume that I think you're fat. I can't win."

"Nope," Cristina shakes her head, "You're pretty much screwed."

"You think I'm attractive?" Addison twists a strand of her hair around her fingers, smiling shyly.

"You think we're attractive?" Meredith echoes, looking similarly charmed.

Derek clutches at his hair, "Is that a trick question?"

"Just say yes," Cristina advises, "And don't say the f-word."  



	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: The Girls Talk 'Tough Love'**

* * *

Author's Notes: Here we a little plot, which continues for the next five or so chapters, then it's the end. Seriously? This is not meant to be serious. So, take it with a grain of salt and rest assured, you were meant to _laugh_ at it. Um, and don't hate me for hating Izzie. She was bothering me after the season finale. I like her more now.

* * *

Meredith fumbles with her keys and looks around the porch nervously, "I don't know if this is such a good idea guys."

"You told me today that Stevens hasn't left her room in three days," Addison says authoritatively, "We're doctors Meredith. And that is not good for anyone."

"She needs to suck it up and get over it," Cristina echoes Addison's sentiments, a lot less tactfully.

"I know," Meredith finally slides the door open and pads into the living room cautiously, "And I fully sympathise with your desire to kick her ass. But I'm just not sure she can handle that right now."

"Now or never," Addison remarks dismissively.

"It's been a month Meredith," Cristina argues, "Four whole weeks of moping around this house. There's no wonder she's depressed. She needs to get up and get on with it. Otherwise, she'll spend the rest of her life lying in that room, gathering dust."

Meredith flicks the kitchen lights on and reaches for the bottle of tequila in the top cupboard, "Drinks anyone?"

Addison holds up a hand, "I could use some of that."

Meredith hands her the bottle. She looks down at it, confused.

"That's how we do things here," Meredith informs her, "Drink up."

"Ok, I haven't done this since college," the attending announces, tentatively raising the bottle to her lips.

"You're showing your age," Cristina mock-whispers, and Addison slaps her arm with her free hand.

Cristina makes a grab for the alcohol and takes a long gulp, wiping her mouth with her hand, "So here's the plan: we go up there, we get Izzie out of bed, we bring Izzie downstairs, break out the ice-cream and the chick-flicks and the tequila, and have a grand old girls night in."

Addison stretches her arms out above her head, "Oh I could use some of that."

Cristina nods, "And then, we have drunken deep-and-meaningful conversations about icky things like feelings, and Izzie gets to spill her guts about Denny and it's a whole lot cheaper than therapy."

Addison rolls her eyes, "And she doesn't have to talk to a lunatic headshrinker. Because you _know_ the kind of med students who became psychiatrists. They were nuts to start with."

Meredith giggles and takes another swig from the bottle, for courage she tells them.

"Yep," Addison sighs, looking pleased, "It sounds like a plan."

"Just one problem," Meredith declares, "No one, and I really do mean no one, has been able to get Izzie out of bed insofar. She went through a brief baking phase a few weeks ago. But other than that, nada. Even _George_ can't get through to her."

Cristina shrugs, "I am so much better at life than George."

Meredith raises an eyebrow, "Whatever. All I'm saying is no amount of sweet talking or commiserating seems to work."

Addison raises an eyebrow right back, "Who said we were going to be commiserating?"

Cristina makes a face at the mention of 'sweet talking' and then nods, "The girl needs a wake up call. And we're going to give it to her."

Meredith raises her hands to the ceiling and leads the charge up the stairs, "Just don't say I didn't warn you."

Her roommate pushes Izzie's door open cautiously and knocks a few times, before slipping into the shadows. Addison and Cristina stand in the sliver of light from the hall and watch, as Meredith gently calls Izzie's name and tries to illicit a response by tapping at her shoulder.

Predictably, no such response is encountered.

"Shall we take over?" Cristina mutters.

Addison nods.

So Cristina sidles into the room and flips the light switch, causing Meredith to whirl around and blink furiously. And Addison follows her into the room and stands at the foot of the bed with her hands on her hips.

Cristina speaks first, "Ok, ok, I know, I'm not generally a feelings kind of person. But this is me being supportive. I'm being supportive. You've threatened me, physically. I get the feeling you never really liked me much, but I will be supportive, because I get it, you're going through a hard time. But you need to get out of bed. You need to stop wallowing in your misery. Jesus Izzie, there are birds and bees and other people with problems, so move your sorry ass."

"So your fiancée died," Addison continues, glaring at the lump in the bed, "Marriage ain't all it's cracked up to be. I would know. And I get it, you got deprived of a chance at a life with Denny, and maybe you actually loved him, and that sucks. But in case you hadn't noticed, the sun keeps coming up. The world is still spinning. You're still on it. So like the rest of us, you have to get out of bed."

Cristina nearly cheers, and pushes Addison up onto the bed, jumping up behind her. Together they kick (gently) at Izzie's lethargic form, until slowly she rolls off the bed and onto the carpet.

Meredith looks on in horror, "Guys! Be nice."

Addison and Cristina exchange a glance.

"Nice hasn't worked until this point," Cristina shrugs.

"And she smells," Addison wrinkles her nose, "This is not healthy."

Izzie sits up and stares blankly at the three women who have invaded her room. She groans, and then bursts into tears.

Meredith sinks down beside her and wipes at the blonde's tear-stained cheeks, "Iz, it's ok. We're all so worried about you, but it's going to be ok."

Izzie nods into Meredith's shoulder, and Meredith makes a face, "You're right, she does smell."

The dirty blonde lowers her voice to a soft murmur, "Iz, you need to shower. You need to eat, something other than cake or cookies," she sighs, "And Addison is right, you need to get out of bed and get on with your life."

Izzie shakes her head and whimpers, her silent sobs causing her to tremble as she gathers the covers around her.

Cristina flops down beside her, and Addison sinks down on the edge of the bed, leaning over Izzie's shoulder.

"Doctor Isobel Stevens," Cristina begins, "You grew up in a trailer park. From what you've said, your mother was a bit of a drunk. Or something. But you still put yourself through med school, all on your own, and until one brief lapse in judgement, you were on track to be a pretty all right surgeon. Woman," she shakes her head, "Woman, get a grip. You can't give up on that. You are better than this."

Addison reaches out to brush the frizzy unwashed blonde … bird's nest of hair out of Izzie's face, "It hurts. It hurts now. It will hurt next week, next year… hell, it might even hurt in ten years, but it gets better. It gets easier. But you have to get out of bed. He's dead. But you're not. And you have to get on with _your_ life. Cristina's right: you are better than this."

Meredith coos softly in Izzie's ear and together they pull her upwards until she's standing, and manoeuvre her towards the door.

"We're going to take you to the shower Iz," Meredith whispers.

Addison and Cristina look at each other.

"Meredith's the good cop," Cristina says in a stage whisper. Addison giggles a little, and pulls the bathroom door open, tugging at Izzie's sleeve.

"Come on, into the shower. You're a grown woman, but I'll bathe you myself if I have too," the redhead orders, with her hands on hips, "Go go go."

Izzie reluctantly tugs at her T-shirt, and the three other women close the door, each pressing their ear to the wood, listening as water starts hitting the bathroom tiles.

"You two have a hell of a bedside manner," Meredith glares at them, as soon as the shower starts.

Addison shrugs, "Sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind."

"We couldn't leave her in bed," Cristina agrees, "I mean, things were beginning to _grow_ on her."

"I know," Meredith rakes a hand through her errant fringe and collapses against the bathroom door, "But it's not easy, when you've seen her at her worst. She's so broken; I don't want to do more damage."

"Meredith," Addison sinks down beside her, "She needs to move on. And the only way to convince her of that is for some firm encouragement in the right direction."

Cristina joins them on the floor, "Tough love baby, it's the only way to go."  



	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: The Girls Talk 'Under The Tuscan Sun'**

The absence of Meredith does not go unnoticed by Addison, Cristina or Derek. And it is the concern of the last which really begins to irritate the first, so much so that she confronts him about prom night in the men's room sometime before midday. Not exactly her best ever relationship decision, but a horribly invigorating way to end an otherwise terrible morning. Long story short, Addison screams at Derek and Derek yells back and Alex Karev asks her what the fuck she's doing in the men's room, so she screams at him as well.

It all ends quite horribly. Derek stalks out. Karev gives her a dirty look. And she stands there staring at herself in the mirror until Richard comes in to use the urinals. An awkward explanation later and she's stomping through the wards to find someone to unload on. Her relationship issues are too big to tackle on her own.

Meredith really would be the shoulder of choice, if Addison wanted to have a good old cry. Derek really hates it that his wife and his mistress have become bosom buddies, but Addison can't help it. She has a lot in common with Meredith Grey.

Lucky for Addison, the last thing she feels like doing is _crying_ over it. Because Meredith is taking the day off to help Izzie find a therapist, and a job. (Because Jose Cuervo, Ben and Jerry's and Meg Ryan movies can't solve everything.) Addison thinks finding another job might be a tad hasty, because Richard Webber still hasn't decided what to do about the situation. He can't cover it up for much longer, but he wants to talk to Doctor Stevens, who refuses to set foot in the hospital ever again.

Addison rolls her eyes, because she is so glad that is Meredith's problem today.

Right now, she wants to yell, and scream and throw things.

Since none of these things are accepted in the standards of hospital decorum, she decides she'll find Cristina Yang and bitch about her idiot husband and men in general.

Cristina Yang is, coincidentally, in the perfect mood for such a discussion, having just argued with Burke regarding staying-with-slash-meeting his parents. She doesn't want two strangers in the apartment while he's in the hospital. He doesn't want his folks to have to find somewhere to stay on such short notice. She clenches her hands into fists and stalks down the hallway.

They're both so caught up in their frustration that they don't notice each other until Addison has ploughed into Cristina and Cristina has whirled around to snap at the inconsiderate fool who bumped into her when she realises it's the person she was looking for in the first place.

"I hate men," Cristina begins, falling into step behind the attending and following her into the gallery, where her husband is operating on an aneurism. The gallery is empty, so Cristina figures it's either a boring surgery or there's a more interesting one someone else.

Addison sighs, and agrees with her, "I hate Derek."

"Derek is an idiot," Cristina shrugs, "I mean 'it's a beautiful day to save some lives'," she does a fairly accurate impression, with facial expressions which are slightly more pompous, "What the hell? It's a beautiful day to act like a jerk to two of my good friends, that's what it is. McDreamy? McShithead is more like it."

Addison puts her hand to her mouth to suppress her laughter, "You paint a fairly grim picture Yang. He's not all bad. I did marry him."

"Once upon a time, I'm sure he was charming and lovely and all the rest of it," Cristina reaches into her pocket and pops a piece of gum into her mouth, chewing vehemently, "But ever since you came to Seattle? He's lost his mind. Gum?"

"No thanks," Addison shakes her head, "I don't know. Sometimes I think that I still love him, despite his lack of a working mind. But other times, I just don't think I can be bothered dealing with the angst anymore. He's so whiney lately. He just complains about Meredith and I being friends, and says I neglect him for Meredith, and he's practically _jealous_ of me because I spend more time with Meredith than he does," she rolls her eyes, "And then I ask him if he loves her and he just broods. I'm married to you, I love you, how could you doubt me? Yada yada yada yada. Jesus Christ Derek, do you ever shut up?"

"I'll tell you how you could doubt him," Cristina pokes a finger into Addison's shoulder, "He cheated on you. He. Cheated. On. You. When you were in the other room. AND he didn't tell you about it, you had to hear it from the dirty mistress, as it were."

Addison holds up a hand, "Hey, the score is even on that note. I cheated on him, with his best friend, and he only found out because he came home early. For once."

"You're making excuses for the man's shitty treatment," Cristina informs her bluntly, "Don't make excuses for the man."

"I'm not making excuses for the man," she protests, "Facts are facts. He was never there beforehand maybe, he didn't notice I was sleeping with Mark for," she waves a hand around absently, "Oh God, I don't know, _months_ before he found out because he was always at the hospital. So what? Absence is the new excuse for adultery?"

"And what's his excuse? Meredith was dating the vet?"

"I should date the vet," Addison pouts.

"The lesbian man?" Cristina's eyebrows shoot up into her hair, "Don't do that. You'll _never_ get laid."

They laugh and Addison twists her wedding bands around her fingers, "Maybe I should just divorce his sorry ass."

Cristina nods, "Oh yeah. Make him sign the papers. I'll become a lesbian, because God knows, I'm over Burke and his I-can't-deal-with-a-life-crisis shit. And you can buy a villa in Tuscany, it will be very Frances Mayes. Together we shall romp about a small Italian village, drinking lots of red wine and hitting on hot European men."

"I've always wanted a villa in Tuscany, or the South of France," Addison muses, "Maybe you're right, I should get divorced and move to Tuscany."

Cristina rolls her eyes, "I'm always right about these things."

"Right," Addison rises, "It's settled. I'll go get the papers, make him sign, and then we'll go to Europe."

"Good," Cristina responds.

"Good," Addison echoes.

"You can approach the Chief about getting the time off."

"You're the one who actually wants a job here," Addison huffs, "I mean, if it weren't for Derek, I wouldn't even be here in the first place. Stupid Seattle and the stupid rain."

"But the Chief loves you," Cristina points out, "In fact, scrap the Europe plan I have a better one. You know the 'Boy's Club'?"

Addison nods, "How could I not?"

"Well, Derek and Burke both think one of them is going to be made Chief of Surgery," Cristina rubs her hands together evilly, "But I think with careful planning and a little manipulation, there's no reason why it couldn't be you."

Addison laughs, "I think I'd prefer the Tuscan villa."

"Hey, first you get Chief of Surgery then you slowly take over the world," Cristina winks, "World domination begins here. Besides, revenge, for all of us girls. It tastes sweet."

"I like the way you think," Addison grins wickedly.

"Right," Cristina saunters into the corridor as Derek steps backward from the table, about to finish up, "I'm going to tell Burke it's my way or the highway."

"I'm going to get divorced," Addison announces.

"I love empowerment," Cristina responds.

"I'm still thinking about that villa." 


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: The Girls Talk 'Playing Hard To Get'**

* * *

Author's Notes: Meredith is still knitting, Addison is very, very divorced and Cristina takes a moment to admire Satan's work on earth. Hints of plot, but again, not serious. Thanks to everyone who reviewed! It makes me all happy and smiley.

* * *

Meredith is sitting opposite Addison at the conference table, and despite the appearance of being her boss, and being responsible and being the kind of attending you could imagine being a straight-A goody two shoes in high school, Addison is trying to make Meredith laugh. She's doing this by purposefully flirting with the visiting gynaecologist from Sacramento: giggling at his jokes, borrowing his pen and putting it in her mouth, twisting her hair around her fingers and behaving like a world-class idiot. And Meredith is sitting there, kicking her under the table and trying not to smile too much when the presenting specialist starts talking about the causes of still birth. 

But it's not working, because now Addison is whispering to the balding forty-something year old that looks positively bewitched, and is smiling so stupidly that Meredith can't help it. She giggles. Because this guy hands over his phone number without even thinking, clueless as he is, and Addison rolls her eyes in Meredith's direction, then mouths, "He could've waited. Made it more fun."

And Meredith kicks her under the table again, hard, before snorting into the glass of water she's picked up to hide her smile.

"I'm bored," Addison mouths, fiddling with the corners of Mr Sacramento's business card. Who gives out business cards with their phone number on it anyway? Addison turns to the person sitting on the other side of her and decides that it would be wrong to hit on the young, rather terrified looking doctor beside her for her own amusement.

"Me too," Meredith mutters.

Typically, the two doctors sitting either side of _her_ are mortified that she's spoken, and they both shoot her death glares before returning their attention to the speaker.

Addison plays with her finger nails, her left hand noticeably missing her wedding band. At length, the presenter finishes and they adjourn for lunch.

"Stupid conferences and refresher course things," the redhead huffs under her breath, following Meredith as they attempt to get as far away from the small room and its long round table as possible.

"I know," Meredith exclaims, "We have you. Why do we need anyone else? You're like the best in your field."

Addison grins, "Sharing ideas is great for medicine Meredith. Besides, I may just have a," she snorts, "Hot date."

"You're not actually going to call him?" Meredith asks incredulously.

Addison feigns a hurt look, "Meredith. I am more tactful than that. Everyone knows you've got to play hard to get."

"If that in there was you playing hard to get then Lord help us if you ever change your mind about that. You might get arrested for indecent behaviour."

"I was bored," Addison offers in her own defence, "Besides, admit it, it was hilarious."

Cristina stalks up behind them and crosses her arms.

"How's it going in conference land?" she interrupts their conversation without ceremony, "I hope it's good because the rest of us are over run with your work Meredith. I mean, Izzie's not back until next week so we're still short. And I'm stuck doing discharges, so I don't even get any OR time."

"Consider yourself lucky," Meredith rolls her eyes, "This thing is so boring, it makes tax law sound enthralling. And you don't have to watch this one," she jerks a thumb in Addison's direction, "Hit on every man in the room because she's got nothing better to do."

"You're a bitch you know that?" Cristina informs Addison, "But I like your style."

Addison bows a little, and accepts this praise with a huge smile, "Thank you, thank you. But seriously, this whole conference thing reminds me of band camp in high school," she leans back against the wall, "So. boring."

Meredith and Cristina exchange glances, "You were in a _band_?"

Addison narrows her eyes, "Yes. I was in the concert band. And I played the flute."

Cristina snorts. Meredith's hand flies to her mouth. They both say in unison, "This one time, at band camp…"

Addison looks decidedly unimpressed, "Lame. That is what _Mark_ said when he found out. So congratulations, you've stooped to new levels of lowness."

Cristina looks sideways at Meredith and they both giggle as Cristina says through her teeth, "_His_ level wouldn't be a bad place to be."

The arch of the redhead's eyebrow is the only response.

"She likes him," Cristina announces, and Meredith nods.

"So, anything interesting come in today?" Addison changes the subject.

"Your ex-husband got a crazy guy with a bullet in his head," Cristina muses, looking thoughtful, "But of course _George_ got to scrub in on that didn't he now?"

"Were they successful?" Meredith tries to look uninterested at the mention of McDreamy. And fails. Cristina and Addison are all over her momentary flicker of curiosity like a rash.

"So, do you still love him?"

"Oooh, what's happening in McDreamy land?"

"Come on Meredith, I'm not going to hate you or anything, even if I am the ex-wife."

"You have to tell me at least; I'm your person."

Meredith holds up her hands, "Nothing is happening in McDreamyland. Except, well," she pauses, "He came to me and he said he loved me. Fine. That doesn't mean I just have to crawl back to him and pretend nothing ever happened. Right?" she looks to both of them for confirmation, "Right? I mean, he treated us like McShit. He doesn't get to just waltz in and have everything the way he wants it."

"No," Addison agrees, shaking her head.

"Definitely not," Cristina echoes.

"I mean the whole thing is very Jane Eyre," Meredith looks down at her shoes, "I was this lowly intern who happened to meet a handsome and wonderful attending and we were sort of in love but then he had a hidden wife that he never told anyone about," she looks at Addison apologetically, "Not that you're mad or anything, but you know… skeletons in the closet and all. And then we broke up, and I met Finn, and Finn had plans but I just couldn't go out with Finn because I still have feelings for Derek except," she puts her hands on her hips, "I'm not going to just run back and pretend it's happily ever after. I mean, Jane went back to Mr Rochester but she made him wait a little, before the declarations of love and happiness part."

"Derek likes the chase," Addison observes contemplatively, "Playing hard to get is not a bad idea."

"All in all, it's not a terrible plan," Cristina declares, "I'm very impressed Meredith. How level-headed of you, in spite of your dark and twistiness."

Meredith nods, looking very pleased with herself, "I thought so to."

"But _Jane Eyre_?" Addison twists her face around, looking dubious, "Are you still knitting?"

"It's a _classic_," Meredith protests.

"So's _Gone With The Wind_," Cristina points out.

Meredith blushes.

"You've read _Gone With The Wind_?" Cristina looks on in disbelief.

"So shoot me," Meredith puts her hands on her hips, "I am still _knitting_."


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: The Girls Talk 'The Return Of Mark'**

* * *

Author's Notes: Obviously really, really AU now, but since I started pre-season 3, we are going to continue in this new wonderful universe. I do have to say, this is my favourite chapter, and not just because I'm the biggest Maddison shipper _ever_. Also because the 'terns teasing Addie is hilarious. So, enjoy this pentultimate foray into the ridiculous. Thanks for all the reviews! Over 100, wheeeeee.

* * *

Addison was enjoying the divorced life. She liked living in a five-star hotel. She liked not having to rummage around under the bed for half an hour to find a particular pair of shoes. She liked not having a moody husband brooding around a trailer which is, at best, too small for one person with a wardrobe the size of hers to live in comfortably. She was enjoying her 'me' time. It wasn't even that awkward, seeing Derek everyday at the hospital. 

Note the use of past tense.

Because being divorced was great until about five seconds ago, when she rounded a corner just as the elevator was closing and caught a glimpse of the back of a very familiar head. (Too familiar, some might say.)

She pulls herself onto the gurney beside Meredith and sighs.

"Ooh," the interns brighten at the sight of her, "We have gossip," Meredith informs her happily.

Cristina grins.

Addison gets the feeling that she knows what's coming next, "Oh, do tell."

"Mark's back," Meredith giggles.

Cristina snorts, "Yep, Mark's back."

"Shit," Addison says to no one in particular.

They laugh even harder and she begins to suspect they may be mocking her, especially when they poke her in the ribs and coo, "McSteamy's back."

"So how many nurses has he bedded insofar?" she rolls her eyes, hoping they'll pick up on her obvious lack of interest. Because she's not interested. At all.

"Um none," Meredith wiggles her eyebrows at a very irritable Addison.

"Rumour has it he declared to the first nurse who asked that he's saving himself," Cristina grins slyly, "Just for you."

Addison groans and bangs her head against the wall.

"You're practically a done deal according to the rumour mill," Meredith informs her.

"They're taking bets on how long it will take you to deflower him," Cristina tells her, "You know, take his Seattle Grace virginity."

Addison blushes, then swears, then glares at them both.

"It's not going to happen," she protests.

"Damn, then I'm out of fifty bucks," Cristina huffs.

- -

Addison figures its best to avoid anything that requires her to venture too far from her nursery. Not because she's trying to avoid _him_, obviously because it's the first place he'd think of to look for her. Honestly, she's worried about meeting _them_: Derek and Mark, or Mark and Meredith or Derek and Meredith. It's a very complicated love-shape and she hates awkward geometry.

But around midday she has no choice. O'Malley pages her to the ER. She really can't ignore it. It's an emergency.

So, she sacrifices her dignity and answers the call of duty, almost without incident. But just as she's rounding the corner to meet O'Malley she looks up from the chart she's studying and sees Derek walking towards her. She looks left, and there's Mark. She swallows nervously and snaps her head to the right, nearly running into Meredith. They all stand, smiling nervously. Both men are staring at Addison imploringly, and she wishes she could just spin on her heel and walk the other way. They continue looking at her, Derek trying to prove that looks can kill or something, waiting to see which one of them she'll choose.

Addison beams at Meredith and takes her arm, steering her into the corridor towards the stairs, away for Derek, away from Mark, away from the hella uncomfortable and embarrassing love-shape.

"I have a pregnant mother in the ER," she says, "It might be surgical."

Derek turns to Mark as they disappear, "Not that I'm going to like you again, ever, but you should be cautioned. The women here are plotting against us."

Mark shakes his head, "But they're outnumbered four to one."

Derek swallows nervously, "Don't say I didn't warn you."

- -

She's been avoiding the elevator all day because at Seattle Grace Hospital, bad things always happen in elevators. Especially to female surgeons who Are Not Interested in other (usually male) surgeons, who incidentally tend to be gorgeous and slightly irresistible. (Because she's Not Interested. With capitals. Just like that. Really. The divorce isn't even finalised yet.)

But Addison's feet hurt. Sure, the heels are hot, but they're hardly practical and she's fairly certain she has several impressive blisters on the side of her smallest toe. She can't possibly take the stairs, just limping to the elevator made her curse under her breath at the sharp stab of pain which accompanies every step.

She presses the button for the maternity floor and ignores him, as if she can realistically pretend she hasn't seen him and that they're not the only two people in the elevator.

He doesn't buy it.

"What?" he begins defensively, "You're not even going to say hello?"

She purses her lips and looks at him sideways, "Hello Mark."

He smiles, "Much better. Hello Addison."

"Don't you hate the rain in Seattle?" she chews on her pen nervously.

"I'm not leaving," he informs her, "This is a great position. I have the liberty to create a plastics department however I want and you're not going to scare me off by pouting at me or sending me sideways glances or avoiding me altogether. This is a career move. You just happen to be an added bonus."

"Ok then," she forces herself to smile warmly at him.

"Good," he grins back at her.

She meets his eyes.

He stares back.

"Do you ever get that urge to push all the buttons before you get to the next floor?" she asks impulsively.

He looks confused but nods, "I guess."

"You should do that now," she blurts out.

And he does.

So she kisses him. Or she attacks him really, pressing her body against his until he's cornered against the wall. She's not really sure how she made the transition from standing with her hands occupied with at least five charts and shuffling her feet, to her hands, occupied with tugging down at his lab coat, and her mouth very firmly pressed against his. But it happened. And his hands are now occupied with her hair and his tongue is no longer trying to convince her he came to Seattle for work. He's making a compelling argument with it, but it has absolutely nothing to do with surgery.

The elevator opens on the third floor and they pull away suddenly.

She reaches for his arm when he tries to slide past her and stops him.

He raises an eyebrow questioningly.

"Welcome to Seattle," she whispers, a little breathlessly, and makes a gesture that suggests he wipe her lipstick of his face.

Meredith and Cristina push past him, shooting knowing glances in her direction.

"Oh shut up," she hisses, "So McSteamy's back. Bite me."

* * *

Maddison will always be my OTP. Much as I love MerDer and all, it's just... sigh, it's _Maddison_. Obviously this is still not serious or realistic in any way shape or form.  



	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: The Girls Talk 'Sleepless In Seattle' and 'Dirty Minds'**

Addison stumbles out of an on-call room at some ungodly hour of the morning and shuffles towards the bathrooms. She needs to do something to her hair before anyone sees her, because otherwise it will be entirely obvious that's she's been having really, really, really amazing sex for the past few hours. What she hasn't been doing is sleeping, and that's going to be obvious come morning rounds too, but hey, sleep is for the weak. And the people not having really, really, really amazing sex in on-call rooms.

She smirks.

Because that's practically everyone except her and that makes her feel very, very smug. It is in fact the smug smile and not the contorted fringe that makes Cristina suspect Addison may have been having really, really, really amazing sex in an on-call room for the better part of the night. In fact, if Cristina hadn't been doing something similar herself, she'd probably have the energy to tease the attending, mercilessly, about her obvious 'lack of interest' in Mark (whom she rightly assumes is the person Addison has been having really, really, really amazing sex with). As it is, all she can manage is a yawn as she braces herself against the bathroom sink and watches Addison shuffle through the door.

"Jesus," Cristina rolls her eyes and then rubs at them, "I'd hate to see what would happen if you actually liked a guy."

The red-head blushes, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, I don't know," Cristina yawns, "Maybe the fact that Miss 'I'm-Not-Interested' jumped the guy she's Not Interested in."

Addison shrugs, "I'm not interested. Technically."

"Was it that bad?" Cristina jokes, as she disappears into a cubicle.

"Oh no," is the quick rebuttal, "No. It was very good."

"Good?" Cristina raises an eyebrow and stares at an advertisement for an ovulation test, "How can you use 'good' to describe sex?"

Next to her Addison taps her fingers against her thigh nervously, "I don't know. I can't exactly say it was mind-blowingly toe-curlingly amazing. That many clichés in one sentence is enough to kill a girl."

Cristina shrugs, "Ok then. It was mind-blowingly toe-curlingly amazing. And you're not interested?"

"No," Addison shakes her head decisively, more for her own benefit than the intern who can't see her anyway, "Well. Maybe. A little. But officially, no."

"It's way too early in the morning to interpret the true nature of your feelings given the ambiguity of your previous assertion," Cristina mumbles.

"Do you always talk like you swallowed a dictionary at 4am?"

"Mostly."

"Wow, sexy."

"I try. Burke wasn't exactly complaining."

"I'm sure he wasn't," Addison grins, "Do you ever wonder about the conversations you have in bathrooms? Like what if there's someone else in here now? Are they going to think we're really strange, having a conversation through the walls?"

Cristina pushes open the door and makes her way to the sink, splashing her face with water, "Sometimes. Because out of context, most of my conversations sound incredibly odd. But don't worry, there's no one else here anyway. Apparently we're the only two getting any action."

"Or," Addison suggests, joining the intern at the sinks, "We're the only two whose lives are that screwed that we have to have sex in a hospital."

Cristina acknowledges that she may be right and Addison smiles, sleepily.

"I'm definitely going home tonight," she yawns, then pauses thoughtfully, "Well. Actually. Perhaps I'll stay."

Cristina's lips twist into a mocking smile, "You are so interested."

- -

In Addison's defence, it was an ambush. He was lying in wait, when she (the unsuspecting prey) cautiously pushed open the door to the stairwell in order to avoid the Curse of the Elevator. And was she really meant to object when he cornered her against the wall in between flights of stairs and kissed her good morning? Five times.

Several minutes later, they both look up to find Meredith looking down from the level above, bent over double with laughter. Addison turns an interesting shade of scarlet, as the intern bounds down the stairs, no doubt with an arsenal of teasing remarks at the ready.

"Good morning," she says brightly.

They both mumble a response and stare at the ceiling, or their shoes, or the spot of gum on the side of the third stair from the top.

"As a doctor," Meredith giggles, taking their silence as permission to continue, "I feel I have an obligation to inform you of my concern for your health. Jesus Christ, you're going to get the worst pash rash ever."

Mark blinks a few times and then smiles widely, "Thank you Doctor Grey, I'm glad that you're concerned. But damn," he turns back to Addison and winks, "It would be a good way to die. Right ladies, I'm off."

And as he leaves, Meredith backs away from Addison's murderous glare until she is cornered against the wall.

"I would be so mad at you," Addison tells her, "If I wasn't so incredibly embarrassed that I wish the ground would swallow me whole."

"So you're interested," Meredith shrugs, "You're single. He's single. He digs you. It's not a crime."

"Oh," Addison shakes her head, "I don't know. I'm fairly certain it's a crime to get involved with your ex-mistress."

"Not when your ex-mistress looks like that," Meredith jibes, poking her in the shoulder, "I mean, if you're not interested, I definitely might be."

"What right do you have to be so perky anyway?" Addison yawns, following the intern up a flight of stairs. A door bangs and they look up to find Cristina attempting to hide from George, who takes one look at all three women and promptly spins on his heel and swings the door open, mutterings something about women taking over the world.

Said women exchange bewildered looks and Cristina joins Meredith and Addison. Both Cristina and Addison yawn in unison, reminding Meredith of her previous assault.

"Ooh," the dirty blonde looks down at the attending mischievously, "Was someone up all night?"

"Sleepless in Seattle, as it were," Addison says wryly.

Meredith giggles, "Oh my, I thought I was the only one who thought that about that movie."

"Thought what about that movie?" Cristina looks confused.

"That it was going to be about sex," Addison finishes Meredith's thought, "And I know, it's terrible, it's wrong, but… what were we meant to think? It is called _sleepless_ in Seattle."

"And when I think of sleepless nights," Meredith gesticulates with a free hand, "I don't think of lying awake and ringing up a radio station."

"Nope," Cristina catches on, "Definitely not."

"I mean, I was expecting something like Wild Things," Meredith rolls her eyes, "Not a cute five-year-old and a sappy love story."

Addison giggles, "Derek was _so_ annoyed when I dragged him to that movie… and it was so different from what I expected, but I was a little mortified I was so wrong about it. I don't think I ever told him."

Cristina smirks, "Kind of awkward really. So, um, I totally thought this was going to be porn."

Addison snorts, "Yeah. Please continue to love me, even if I do have a dirty mind."

"I have the worst mind ever," Meredith declares with her hands on her hips, "Seriously. I laughed in the House of God. That makes me a terrible person."

Addison giggles again, "Everyone laughed in the House of God."

"In the sex scene? When he was fantasising about having sex with the nurse who was trying to revive the dead guy having a cardiac arrest?" Meredith narrows her eyes.

And Cristina laughs out loud, "Oh, that was priceless. And then he was picturing everyone in the room having an orgy and the Hawaiian underpants," she wipes her eyes, "Meredith, everyone laughed at that part."

Addison nods her agreement, "That part was sick. But hilarious."

"Maybe we just have dirty minds," Meredith counters, "Maybe we're sick, sick people who are obsessed with sex. And how much sex everyone else is having. And how much sex we're not having."

Cristina meets Addison's eyes and they both smirk, "You're the only one not having sex."

"Shut up," Meredith groans, "Why oh why did I ever decide to be celibate? Ever since then, things have gone down hill."

"Yeah, how's the knitting coming by the way?" Addison teases.

"Shut up," Meredith snaps again, "Not all of us are totally in love with plastic surgeons who worship us in every possible way."

The side of Addison's mouth curls upwards, "Oh yes. Well, that's too bad because you are definitely missing out."

"I told you that you were interested," Cristina remarks, with a satisfied smile.

Addison blushes.

"And Meredith," Cristina rolls her eyes, "Are you still going all Jane Eyre on McDreamy's ass?"

Meredith shakes her head, "No, but he wants to take things slower this time. Considering last time he picked me up in a bar and ripped my clothes off as soon as we were out the door, you'd think that two weeks would be slow enough to constitute slow_er_… but no," she pinches at her arms, "No, we have to _wait_. I'm beginning to think he's never going to put out."

Cristina shrugs, "I'm not saying it's for certain, but he'll definitely put out before Finn."

Addison studies her fingernails, "This is awkward."

Meredith nods, "Um, yep. Awkward."

Cristina shrugs, "So you've both slept with the guy, one of you has married him, and now the other is dating him. Don't let it be awkward. Compare notes."

"He really does consider it an insult if you out last him," Addison remarks, still studying her fingernails.

"He didn't speak to me for a week!" Meredith exclaims, "It's not my fault."

"Tell me about it. And he gets lazy, after a while. I mean, I guess all men do. But we got repetitive and tedious after a few years. It was almost like a set routine for every day of the week, except it was more like the first Saturday of every second month, before he left."

"Is that why you slept with Mark?" Meredith looks worried.

Addison shrugs, "Not the only reason. But it certainly made the decision of accepting the offered sex a lot easier."

"And you're sure he wasn't cheating on you?"

"What? House of God style?" she raises an eyebrow, "He was married to his job. He didn't have time for me, he certainly didn't have time for someone else on the side _as well_. Besides, I would've known. I know these things."

Meredith's eyes widen, "Then I might have to sleep with Mark too."

Cristina giggles when Addison involuntarily narrows her eyes.

"Because I have a dirty mind and a girl has needs," Meredith pouts, "And if he can for that long without sex," she trails off, "I just may never get to be sleepless in Seattle."

* * *

And we arrive at the end for now. Nothing is resolved. Everyone is still moaning and whinging about the difficulties of being a woman. It's a lot like life really. On that note, if real life provides inspiration, I will continue. But for now, consider this complete because I'm channelling all my funny-life-moments into a post-3.02 story at the moment. Thanks for reading!  



	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven: The Girls Talk 'The Morning After'**

* * *

Author's Notes: Um, I decided to continue after all this time because... well, this came into my head and refused to go away, and so many people spurred me to continue. I thought I'd oblige. Thus, I bring you, in all it's ridiculous glory, another chapter.

* * *

"Crap." 

Meredith's first words.

"Whassthetime?"

Derek's slur.

"Holy shit."

Addison's comment on the situation.

"Well. This is awkward."

Izzie's words of wisdom.

"Where the fuck am I?"

Cristina's eloquent addition.

"That," Addison announces, staring at the ceiling and blinking a few times, "Is a very good question. And more to the point, why are all four of us in bed together _with my ex-husband_?"

Cristina groans, "I don't remember. But I'm definitely wearing less than I was last night."

Meredith rolls over and gathers the covers around her.

"Hey!" Izzie exclaims, "You're hogging the blanket. And my feet are cold."

(It should be noted that this conversation is punctuated by Derek's loud snoring.)

"Guys," Addison tries again, "Where are we?"

"Welcome to my humble abode," Meredith says, sitting up. She is wearing her Dartmouth T-shirt and looking dazed, she smiles, "You know, I think I might still be drunk."

Cristina moans again, yanks the pillow out from behind Izzie's head and buries her face beneath it, rolling in the opposite direction and pushing the scantily clad blonde over the edge of the bed.

Izzie hits the floor with a loud thump and a shriek.

When her head appears above the mound of covers she blows up on her fringe and asks a mortified Addison, "Do you know how we got here?"

The redhead shakes her curls, "It's all very fuzzy after the fifth round of shots."

Izzie pokes Cristina in the shoulder and peels the pillow off her face, uncovering her eyes. Cristina curses again at the sudden wave of morning light, "Go away."

"Cristina."

"Jesus Izzie. Why are you so happy? I feel like I had someone shoving a penis in my ear all night. Literally, I feel brainfucked."

"Ok, gross," Addison remarks, sitting up and crossing her arms beneath her breasts, "And why am I in my underwear?"

"Do you know what we're doing here?" Izzie asks Cristina.

"Izzie," is the frustrated response, "All I can remember is that you thought it would be a wonderful idea to go out for drinks after we finished at the hospital. And that you cheated in each and every round shots yet still ended up far drunker than any one else. I vaguely remember falling over in the bathroom at Joe's and somehow getting lost in the cubicle," she shrugs, "And while that's an impressive feat, everything after is blank. You're just going to have to play connect the dots."

Meredith giggles, "Yep. Well I remember exactly nothing after I sat down on that bar stool. So I'm sorry if I hit on any one, kissed anyone, puked on anyone… but you'll have to forgive me."

Addison leans back against the headboard, "So we still haven't quite managed to figure out what happened last night."

Meredith shrugs and burrows down into her little cocoon and pulls everyone still entangled in the sheets with her. The result is Izzie huddling closer to Cristina for warmth, who is pissed off because she has meanwhile crashed into Addison's side causing Addison to squish against Derek and Derek to wake up sandwiched between his ex-wife and ex-mistress.

The first word out of his mouth is one of those ones his mother always told him not to say in front of a lady. Then again, his mother probably wouldn't approve of waking up in a bed with _four_ ladies. So perhaps it's a moot point.

"Um," Addison shuffles to the right, in an attempt to not be spooning Derek, who having uttered his only thoughts on the situation, is currently trying to devise an escape plan. Addison turns an interesting shade of green and pokes Cristina in the ribs, "Could we move over?"

There is some awkward shuffling and Derek sits up, looking positively terrified.

"I don't suppose you know how we got here?" Addison arches an eyebrow and looks mighty pissed off.

"Well," he draws the sheets around his waist and edges towards the bottom of the bed slowly, "You see…"

"Oh my God," Meredith's eyes widen.

"You didn't," Izzie's mouth drops.

Cristina glares, "That was low."

"I'm going to kill you," Addison promises, "I'm going to rip your head off, one pretty little hair at a time."

He raises his hands in a defensive gesture, "Nothing happened. I swear."

Meredith puts her hands on her hips, "You'd better start explaining Mister."

"You were drunk," he says, "You forgot your address so the cab driver turfed you about a block from Joe's so you called me and I came to the rescue."

"And that's why we're all sleeping in the same bed half-naked?" Meredith sounds unamused.

"You're a real knight in shining armour Derek," Addison muses, "Really. My hero."


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: The Girls Talk 'Caffeine' and 'Conspiracy Theories'**

* * *

Author's Notes: For the record, I am addicted to coffee. Seriously. SERIOUSLY. IN A BAD BAD WAY. I can't live without it and it is so good. And I have to make it at home now, the bought stuff just isn't strong enough for me. And you're thinking, how is that related to fic? Oh ye of little faith. Every so often the need to put characters in ridiculous situations hits me. This was one of those 'ever so oftens'.

* * *

Meredith and Cristina are standing around looking positively exhausted when Izzie bursts through the doors of the locker room with a chipper smile on her face and coffee cup in hand.

"Good morning guys," she beams.

Cristina's eyes widen at the smell of coffee from Izzie's cup. She reaches up and ensnares the blonde's wrist, dragging the cup down to eye level and prising it from its owner's grasp, "Coffee."

"Well," Izzie wrinkles her nose, "It's nice to see you too."

Having downed the remaining liquid in Izzie's mug, Cristina flops backward and closes her eyes, "Sleep."

"How long has she been like this?" Izzie jabs a finger in the general direction of the now-comatose Cristina.

Meredith yawns, "She was in surgery most of the night, with Burke. You know how it is, you're hyped for a big surgery and then the minute it's over you're just exhausted."

"Well right now," Izzie begins to pull Cristina into an upright position, "We have to meet our resident at the nurses' station. So up, now."

With some difficulty, she manages to drag Cristina into a sitting position and with Meredith's assistance, continues to drag her towards the nurses' station. Addison joins them at said nurses' station with a yawn.

"Good Morning," Izzie smiles brightly.

"Hi," Meredith offers in a more subdued tone.

"Need coffee," Addison declares in a monotone, pressing her eyes shut and bracing herself against the nurses station, "It's been at least," she considers things carefully, "Five minutes since my last. Need. Coffee."

"Yeah," Meredith sighs, "I think we could all use a coffee."

Mark is, at present, giving his morning order to Alex as they walk past and noticing the caffeine-deprived look gracing the faces of the four women, stops to examine the situation.

"Hey," he pokes Addison's shoulder experimentally, "You ok?"

"No thanks to you," she glares.

Meredith, Izzie and Alex smirk, looking down at their shoes as they try to hide their amusement.

"You know what Karev?" he steps away from Addison's murderous glare with a diplomatic smile, "Buy the ladies coffee, on me."

"You're still not getting any tonight," Addison yells at his retreating form, "Not if I have to be awake."

There is a collective murmur of 'too much information' from the crowd of interns followed by the sound of heart monitors blipping and sneakers squeaking against the linoleum. These sounds are of course audible because everyone is staring at Addison without comment.

"What?" the attending shrugs, "I'm tired. And God, I need some caffeine. My hands are almost shaking the cravings are so bad."

Alex smiles at the women in front of him and claps his hands together in an attempt to break the awkward silence, "Lucky for you, I'm Seattle Grace's resident coffee bitch. Orders people," he meets Izzie's eyes, "Not you, I know what you want."

The blonde laughs, "Mocha latte for me, as usual."

Alex winks at her, "I know. But, anyone else?"

"Coffee," Cristina switches elbows and leans against the her other hand, mumbling sleepily.

"Black no sugar," Meredith interjects, "For her. Caramel latte for me. Thanks Alex."

"White, no sugar," Addison adds, "Extra shot of espresso. Actually, make that two extra shots of espresso, I have a surgery at eleven," she whines the last and trails off into several only-half-joking mock sobs. "Tonight," she declares resolutely, "Tonight I am sleeping."

"Sleep now," Cristina mumbles, but the rest of this thought is incomprehensible.

"No," Meredith grabs at Cristina as she attempts to lean her full weight against the nurses' station, "Up now, sleep later. Rounds now."

"No," Cristina whines, but steadies herself on her feet and blinks a few times before yawning again, "Christ this is torture. They're not trying to make us surgeons. It's just a sick, sick social experiment. They're all psychiatrists performing an in depth study on the ability of the human mind to function without sleep."

"Yep," Addison nods, "It's all a conspiracy. Internship, residency," she adds the next under her breath, "Boyfriends. Those damn shrinks and their need to know the truth about high order thinking abilities following extreme sleep deprivation."

Izzie shrugs, "I had the best sleep I've had in ages last night."

Addison and Meredith eye the blonde suspiciously while Cristina once again rests her head on the nurses' station and moans softly, "I need morphine for this headache, seriously, it's killing me."

"Who're you sharing the blankets with?" Addison asks, patting Cristina's head vaguely before saying in a stage whisper, "It's professionally irresponsible to give morphine for headaches. Take some aspirin. It's ok. It's just internship. You can do it."

Meredith ignores Cristina's whinging and continues the interrogation of Izzie, "Yeah, who's at the pyjama party?"

"Guys," Izzie raises her hands defensively with a huge smirk, "I just said I slept well. I didn't say I slept _with_ someone."

"'I slept well' is practically universal code for 'I got laid'," Addison rolls her eyes dismissively, "So come on: I want a confession, stat."

"Nothing to confess," Izzie retorts, leaning against the counter with her elbows and rubbing Cristina's shoulder, "Come on trooper, you really do have to wake up. Bailey is like, around that corner. Seriously."

"Stop changing the subject," Meredith admonishes, placing her hands on her hips, "You _slept_ well."

"I did," Izzie agrees, "Slept, in the old-fashioned sense of the word. You know, where you close your eyes fully-clothed and go to sleep? Yeah, that is what I did last night."

Meredith and Addison exchange glances.

"I'm not buying it," Addison declares.

"Nope," Meredith agrees.

Alex chooses this moment to return with their coffee. Sauntering around the corner of the nurses' station, he delivers each coffee in front of the woman who requested it with a flourish and dumps himself in an office chair in front of the computer before sipping on his own caffeine fix, "And there you are."

"Thanks Alex," Meredith raises her cup and smiles.

"Yeah, thank you," Addison adds.

"Thanks," Cristina throws in shortly.

Izzie looks up over the top of her cup shyly and grins, "Thank you Alex."

Alex meets her eyes and returns her shy smile, "You're welcome Izzie. Hey, I saw Bailey before and you're trailing me today. Sloan's waiting on his coffee, you wanna head up now?"

"Yeah," the blonde tosses her ponytail, "I'd like that."

They cannot quite contain their laughter until they round the corner and stop just short as Izzie bends over double in a fit of giggles.

From the nurses' station, Meredith and Addison watch this exchange with shrewd eyes.

"Something is going on between them," Meredith observes.

"Yes," Addison agrees, "I think I know why Isobel Stevens 'slept well' last night."

"Oh, they wouldn't have done anything," Meredith scoffs, "And I really can't see Alex being a slumber party kind of guy. You know what I mean, actual sleeping without sex."

"You'd be surprised," Addison says, "The kind of guys who turn out to be up for a slumber party."

"What the hell do you know about Alex and slumber parties?" Meredith's eyebrows shoot upward.

Addison smirks, "Wouldn't you love to know?"

"I would," Meredith answers, leaning closer and barely able to control her curiosity.

"Nothing to tell," Addison continues to smirk, implying there is indeed something to tell, "But let's just say we had a little heart-to-heart once, at Joe's. I'm not sure he remembers but if he ever gives me attitude again, I might just remind him."

Oblivious to this discussion, Cristina raises the cup to her lips and tilts her head back ninety-degrees, sucking every last drop of caffeine. When she stands upright, she blinks a few times and smacks her lips. She is immediately more alert but has a satisfied smile on her face and eyes glazed with content. She offers her only contribution to the conversation in a low voice, "Mmm, coffee."


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13: The Girls Talk 'Boob Poking'**

* * *

Author's Notes: Oh yes, you know you love it. And um, yeah, I CAN REFERENCE THE SHOW IF I WANT. Even in my (VERY VERY VERY) AU universe. Slight spoilers for 3.08 and manboobs.

* * *

The four women of Seattle Grace are seated on the top bunk of an empty on-call room, a plate of Izzie's cookies being passed along the tunnel created by their knees. Each has a perfectly logical explanation for being at the hospital just shy of midnight. Meredith is waiting for Derek to get out of surgery. Addison is waiting on twins who are very inconsiderate of her schedule. Cristina is on call and Izzie is trailing her for the day which means Izzie is also, by proxy, on call. If you asked any of them to describe themselves in three words, all four would currently include 'bored' as a primary descriptor. 

After Izzie's next statement, all four would also use the term 'amused'.

"So then Sloane walks in," Izzie giggles, "And I had one hand on the patients… _implants_ and the other on Alex's chest. And he just looks at us and says, 'this is why I don't work with interns'."

Addison finds this story the most amusing. Wiping at her eyes she sighs, "He was just jealous because you didn't include him."

When they have all regained their composure, Cristina raises an eyebrow, "Doesn't boob poking violate the rules of 'look but don't touch'?"

"The patient made a request," Izzie protests.

Meredith snorts, "I'm sure lots of patients have made you requests."

"Are you an obliging doctor?" Cristina teases.

Izzie blushes, which doesn't do much for her case.

"Personally I have always found that creepy," Addison declares, "When doctors sleep with their patients and vice versa."

"That's because you're a gynaecologist," Cristina reminds her.

"And most of your patients are pregnant women," Meredith adds.

"So you support this practise?" Addison narrows her eyes.

"Ah," Meredith looks at the other interns and they share a knowing look, "This is because she's dating a plastic surgeon."

"Um no," Addison shakes her head, "It's not."

"Yeah it is," Izzie sighs.

"I mean, boob poking is practically in the job description," Cristina explains, "Naturally, you're sensitive about the sex-with-patients thing. Not that I'm about to go down on Mr Jenkins in 304 who just got turfed from infectious diseases, but I'm just saying, given your taste in men and said man's taste in women, I'd be _touchy_ about it too."

Meredith groans, "Bad pun intended."

"Speaking of touchy," Izzie pokes at her chest experimentally, "I wonder sometimes if boobs are meant to be this squidgy. Look," she squishes at her chest, "I mean, if I wasn't wearing a push up bra they would wobble. A lot."

"And you're complaining?" Meredith sticks a finger into the side of left breast experimentally, "I don't have enough to get a wobble."

"You're telling me," Cristina bemoans, "It's not even worth trying."

"Yes it is," Meredith reaches over and pokes at Cristina's chest, "You've got a little wobble."

The three interns look up at Addison

"Hers would," Izzie declares.

"Oh no," Addison blushes impressively and folds her arms protectively, "No. Really, I'm ticklish."

"Your boobs are ticklish?" Cristina asks incredulously.

Izzie reaches out and wriggles her fingers were Addison's arms meet her body. The redhead squeals and squirms away from her.

"No," she declares with a huge smile, "But she is ticklish. And we could use that to our advantage."

"Stop it," but it really is too late and Addison really is ticklish.

"Look," Meredith beams at Cristina as Izzie continues to tickle the attending and Addison continues to giggle, "They do wobble."

Cristina stretches out a finger and prods experimentally, "Look, they do. Izzie, it's like yours."

Just as the blonde reaches over and all three interns nudge, jab, push at and poke Addison's chest, Mark appears in the doorway. All four women look up to face the silhouette in the doorway and upon realising who it is, Addison groans. Izzie looks faintly embarrassed to be caught boob-poking by the same plastic surgeon twice. Meredith and Cristina snigger in pre-emptive amusement anticipating the lewd remark to come. Mark just looks bewildered for several seconds before grinning slyly, "So this is why you love interns so much."

"Yep," Izzie beams up at him.

"Pretty much," Meredith nods.

"It's all in the boob poking," Cristina finishes.

Mark looks bewildered again.

Addison glares.

The interns collapse in a fit of giggles.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14: The Girls Discuss 'Cristina's Uterus'**

**

* * *

**Author's Notes: Hey all, for everyone who is (still) reading this I congratulate you and offer another chapter, in which women bitch and moan about being women. Because sometimes, uteruses suck. Who needs canon when you can have ludicrous but amusing nonsense?**

* * *

**

"I was never meant to be born a woman," Cristina declares from inside the bathroom stall.

"You got two X chromosomes," Addison lifts an eyebrow, "I assure you, it would be a genetic abnormality if you were born otherwise."

"No," Cristina is adamant, "I was never meant to be a woman and so I _forget_ sometimes, which hurts my uterus' feelings. And when my uterus gets pissed off? It chooses to remind me it exists at the most inconvenient of times."

Izzie and Meredith exchange glances and try not to laugh. Much.

"Paper towels," Cristina orders.

Izzie fills the hand that has snaked around the cubicle door with the requested items.

"I mean seriously guys," Cristina continues her monologue, "This is a big problem."

"What?" Addison is still looking unamused, "Regular menstruation? If you'd like your surgical options, I could remove it for you but despite your apparent lack of maternal instinct there may come a time in the future when you decide you want little Cristinas to go out and further you plans for world domination."

"Regular?" Cristina rolls her eyes, "You call this regular? This is like… a haemorrhage. I swear, there is something wrong if this is the volume and consistency of my endometrium."

"Well you went to med school," Addison points out, "Or did you skip your OB/GYN rotation to study?"

Cristina is silent for a few moments, "You know, I think I was sick that semester."

Meredith and Izzie continue to choke on their own hands, which are shoved as far as possible into their mouths.

"How often does this happen?" Addison's interest is piqued.

"Every two weeks," Meredith shrugs.

"Yeah," Cristina echoes, "About every two weeks."

"But it's only because she forgets to take her pill," Izzie mutters.

"But it's only because I," Cristina pauses, "Well sometimes I forget to take my birth control."

"You do use an alternate method," Addison pauses, "Of contraception I mean. I mean you do right?"

There is an ominous silence.

"That would explain the ectopic pregnancy," Addison muses quietly, then adds, "And the irregular bleeding. Jesus, it's not hard. They even write the days of the week next to the little pills."

"Well it's just that I never bother to take the lactose tablets," Cristina explains, "And so sometimes I start it a little late. And then I get busy and I just… forget."

"Just like you forget to use condoms?" Addison's unamused but elegantly quirked eyebrow is back.

"He doesn't like them," is Cristina's brilliant excuse, "I don't like them."

"More or less than you don't like babies?" Addison counters.

Meredith and Izzie finally giggle out loud.

"Ok," Callie Torres opens the stall door behind Cristina and moves to the sinks, "Can I take part or is this conversation private?"

"Do you have a mensuration problem you'd like to share?" Addison poses the question only slightly sarcastically.

"No," Callie reaches for a paper towel, "But now I know her cycle I'll be sure to mark it on my calendar under 'too much information'. The frequently occurring periods and misuse of hormone pills would explain the moodiness though."

Addison looks as though this idea has merit and spends several seconds in quiet contemplation.

"Seriously?" Izzie raises an eyebrow as Callie leaves, "Seriously? The girl has no problem walking around the house naked but she can't discuss mensuration?"

"Scrubs," Cristina hollers, holding out a hand.

Meredith supplies her friend with the required garment.

"I don't see why you're complaining that you forget your uterus exists," Izzie pipes up, "I mean, at least you don't _know_. Believe me, I _know_. It's like getting food-poisoning once a month."

"I can't sleep for a week before and the slightest thing can put me in the worst of moods," Addison informs them, "Which means I get tired and pissed off about nothing, so naturally, that means I'm tired and pissed off about _everything_."

Meredith just shrugs, "I'm always regular. I felt a little nauseous once."

"How do you remember?" Cristina asks, incredulous, still locked in the bathroom.

"I set a reminder on my cell," Meredith responds.

Izzie and Addison collectively roll their eyes.

Meredith shrugs, "Hey, it works. At least I'm not locked in a bathroom for an emergency change of clothes."

"Thank you for your concern," Cristina finally announces to the group, emerging fully-clothed in fresh scrubs and washing her hands, "But we're good to go now."

"You still have one fully functional fallopian tube," Addison points out.

"Try saying _that_ ten times fast," Izzie challenges.

Meredith and Izzie subsequently amuse themselves by attempting said challenge and ending up horribly tongue-tied.

"Don't worry," Cristina sighs, "It's not like I'm getting any anyway."

"Tell me about it," Izzie huffs.

"Hey, I'm not in mourning," Cristina says, as though this makes her case of abstinence more severe than the blonde's.

"And my brain still produces hormones," Izzie counters.

"Oh and I was going to offer you horny goat weed and everything," Cristina mocks her.

They continue bickering, much to the amusement of Meredith and Addison, who exchange glances and notably remain silent. This goes unnoticed by other two women for some time. Finally Izzie realises, and shoots a pointedly glance at Cristina, who catches on and throws a murderous glare over her shoulder.

"Stop smirking you two," she snaps, "You have to be nice to me because my uterus hates me."

"Your uterus _hates_ you?" Addison rolls her eyes.

"And you think I'm best friends with mine?" Meredith exclaims.

"My uterus also hates it when you walk around with you 'I'm getting laid' smirks on," Cristina starts to list their offences, "Oh, and it hates it when you argue with me."

"The personification of her uterus is alarming," Meredith whispers, "Do you think we can send her to psyche?"

"The uterus heard that Meredith," Cristina tells her in a sing-song voice, "And it is angry."


End file.
